October 13, 1992
Daniel J. Travanti
It’s painful. I suppose other actors realize this, too; maybe most do. I must deliberately concentrate my thoughts on the few people who like my work and think of me when hiring.
But I am preoccupied with the thought that most producers, directors and networks are rejecting me. I know that the nature of my work and the normal condition for an actor is rejection. This weighs on me. It hurts. I can shift the weight off, if I remember to remember.
That there are only a few good roles available ever, at any time or at any stage of an actor’s career is not consoling me. It never was. I don’t see that there are so many more talented actors than me that I am rightly passed by, in favor of them.
There is no reason, in the strictest, analytic, objective sense, why I am rejected and someone else is accepted. There is the fact of the selection each time, or of the acceptance. That’s all. The reasons themselves are victims of circumstance. The reasons producers give are not necessarily the reasons why they make their choices.
Everyone wants to believe that his reasons are in his control and are good and will bring success. Every actor wants to believe that there is a logical reason, each time, why he is taken or not. Such thinking presumes or at least wishes that it is in charge. It needs to think that it controls itself. It’s one of the myths human beings agree to live by.
The thinker himself is a victim of circumstances. The thought is not separate from the thinker. The thinker is not separate from his world or its influences. When my world does not please me, I say it is wrong. Or I feel it is. But I’d rather feel that it is correct. There is no pain in that.
My only assignment is to take care and obey.
There is a circumstance that would be more pleasant for me: to be free enough not to have to care about being accepted. I can be free enough if I have enough money. Soon, maybe.