Dear Bernardo,
Once again I am having to give up the idea of being an actor. I gave it up about nineteen years ago, too, and felt better for it. My daily relief comes from imagining that the New York apartment is sold, and that the bleeding of money has stopped. I didn’t have this problem all those years ago, and I suppose this situation is better. But, as my first agent said to me once, “If you think your problems will be solved when you become successful, you’re in for a big surprise. I’m afraid you’ll just have a new set of bigger problems.” He was right, of course. As of this week, an offer is being negotiated. As of last week, you are the fourth party to ask to use the apartment. I’m glad it’s being used just in time. But it will not be mine much longer to loan. I hope. The sale will give me some breathing space and some peace of mind that I am not going broke; that I need not accept the next bad role at a small salary, just to stay alive. And I don’t like being a victim.
I have always wanted only one freedom: to play good roles and to work as frequently as I wished. The business of being a star or of being popular I have never quite understood; nor have I believed in their usefulness to me. My old lament was that no one was even going to see what I could do because I was not being given any good chances. My new pain comes with the realization that many people have finally seen some of what I can do; they have applauded and even given me some prizes, but still they do not seek my services. This is a relentless frustration. So, I must give up. I understand that I have no power—I never thought I did have any—and I feel better when I let go. But I’m not yet surrendered so far as to be willing to release this house and its gigantic expenses. One of my excuses is that I would have to give it away in this bad market. I’m giving away the apartment, so I’m not completely stubborn, but I am reluctant to leave this place and comfort, and at a financial loss.
I know, when the pain is too much, I’ll give in.
There is hope for the nation, though, and I am buoyed by it. Mr. Clinton is better than the voters even know. He and Gore and their wives are the most impressively bright and sensitive quartet ever to reign here. Surely, they will be able to accomplish something; but I shall be prepared to be disappointed. Yet, I have never felt this hopeful of an administration. A new generation is in charge, the first which understands the number one problem is the destruction of the planet. The campaign did not emphasize that because that issue does not bring votes, so they stressed the need for jobs. I believe that Gore knows they are the same issue. I think Clinton believes this, too.
Everyone sends love. We’ll be gathering here for Thanksgiving, thinking of you even if we don’t see you…but you’re invited.
Stay warm in that chilly climate—and that chilly household.
Love,
Daniel J.