When I hear about the development of San Francisco, I regret that I won’t be here always. I think of these times and I regret that I won’t be here in other times. I won’t be here in the year 2093, or even in 2043, I don’t suppose.
Is life all regret? After I’ve read the books and understood some things—quite a few things, really, basic, essential, universal things—then what? Is this merely a marathon to nowhere? I must read more of the stoic view, of Marcus Aurelius. From what I’ve read already, I gather that my feelings are theirs. I wish to be unburdened. Of life? Of this body only? My spirit is light.
The thought exhilarates me: I needn’t transport any thing from here to Los Angeles. I can leave all the clothes, books, tapes, CD’s, papers, utensils, and even food in Kenosha.
I am a nomad. I am a good nest builder. I am comfortable in any community. Irony. The irony and my regret is that I did not believe this when I was first in New York. I was afraid to commit to the Washington Arena. Last week, the new people there asked me to be in Arthur Miller’s The Price. I am so glad. There is time left to redeem. Irony. I wanted to be famous and sought-after sooner. I thought; it will take so long to get established as a serious, fine actor. I’ll take a short cut; I’ll become known first, and the easiest way is in television, or even in films (fat chance!). Then, people will want me to do plays and I’ll show them how good I really am. It has taken me so long to become famous. The idea exploded again and again, right in my face.
I was afraid to “go away.” I was always going away! I was paranoid, actually. There was no real danger. I couldn’t even imagine a specific fearsome thing. I operated on swirling energy. It was a maelstrom inside—my mind and heart in a tornado, unable to see or hear. I’ve been saying for years that I was (am?) an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. I certainly was then. I am less confused these days. More confident. But I am disappointed. In me. I have not had many good roles to play. I have not been able to get roles in movies. I want to find time to play good roles in the theater. I will.